What’s it all about…

Why do we slog through challenges, hoping to survive, no matter what the cost?

I’ve wondered this many times since my epic struggle with Covid-19. A struggle that tried to rob me of so much—my autonomy, my relationships, and even my life. Here I am almost three years later, and, in the words of Elton John, “I’m still standing!’ But why? Why am I not just a memory?

Much of my survival I attribute to being incredibly determined and /or stubborn—take your pick. I prefer determined.

But I was also surrounded by a network of love and prayer that lifted me up during the darkest moments when I was tempted to give in to despair. There were many days when, confined to a hospital bed with everything I knew and loved so far away and seemingly gone from my life forever, I wondered what would become of me—would I ever go home again, be able to resume my life, be with the people I loved—even pet my sweet little dog again? Would I ever be able to walk again, learn to swallow so I could eat like a normal person, cook a meal or even take care of myself? Sometimes, despair would cloud my thoughts and plunge me into its dark night.

The shard of hope I grasped onto was realizing how much I loved my life. How much I wanted it back. That knowledge and understanding were what motivated me to keep trying no matter how difficult each day seemed, no matter how hard I had to work to get stronger, to learn to hold my head up, stand, and finally walk. It motivated me to keep exercising when I was tired, or just wanted to give in.

I came to know that life was the ultimate gift. A gift like no other and that I was fortunate to still be alive.

Life is miraculous —to be able to have relationships that give us joy, to be an actor in the world.

 I wanted to live so much, it was woven into the fabric of my being. And that desire is what made me determined to face each and every day, no matter how much fear, anxiety, pain, or humiliation it took.

Yes, prayer, the myriad messages of support and love, and the care of medical teams, all these things made it possible for me to grapple with Covid-19. But ultimately I believe it was the sheer joy I experienced in living that kept me going.

And that was what my battle with Covid-19 meant to me.