My brother Tommy died on March seventh. He was only 62 year of age—much too young to leave this earth.
He battled cancer twice and had a heart valve replaced about 15 years ago. He survived all that, only to succumb to a virulent blood infection. It seems unbelievable that something that ought to be curable wasn’t. That he fought his way back from really frightening things like a rare cancer and then lymphoma only to die from an infection. But that’s what happened.
He left behind a daughter and a wife, the two people he loved most of the many people he loved. He left behind a family mired in grief, trying to make sense of the unthinkable.
He left behind a grieving community of students and fellow professors at Canisius College in Buffalo where he taught for many years. He was eulogized in several newspapers and on Face Book. His students posted tributes to him everywhere— there are at least three tributes to him on You Tube. They held a memorial service the day after he died. My brother’s legacy is incredible. And yes, it is a comfort.
But the fact remains that he no longer walks this earth. He no longer has his list of questions to be asked. He no longer writes long posts on Face Book, full of humor, literary references and practical wisdom, and music and poetry. He no longer will arrive at a family gathering with a joke disguised as a story. He no longer will meet with students to give them advice and guidance. He no longer will hold one of our baby great nieces or nephews in his arms and coo at them, telling them how smart, how beautiful, and how loved they are.
Tommy will never rave over my sister’s cooking, or ask how she manages to make dinner every Sunday for the whole family.
I’ll never receive an email from him telling me that he thinks I’m wonderful, that he wishes me nothing but the best. That a song he heard reminded him of me. He’ll never ask me how my late husband and I managed to get through Dan’s final illness.
No, his voice has been silenced.
His wit, his love of the people around him, of life, of literature, his thirst for meaning, his love of God –all that made him who he was—is now memories. We will keep Tommy alive in stories that we will tell one another: In the posts on Face Book that are colored by grief, in the tearful telephone calls, in the photos we share, the moments we recall.
Pranks he pulled, games we played, silly moments, a rare argument, tumble over and over again, like a never-ending cascade of snapshots through my mind.
My husband’s death six months ago followed by this unthinkable loss, has cast me adrift. I feel like a rudderless boat, floating on a sea of loss, confusion, and sorrow. I am buffet by waves of ennui, too sad to do much more than I have to do. Just getting through the days that become weeks and soon will be months.
I am like a swimmer paddling frantically for the shore. Afraid of drowning in the grief that numbs me.
Kathy, I’m so glad to see you writing about your brother. Family and friends will treasure the memories you shared here. Although I did not know him, it was very touching.
This has helped me a lot, Ginger.
The loss of a loved one is like a tunnel. It’s dark and frightening and makes us unsure of our footing, afraid to move forward and afraid NOT to move forward. If we make it thru to the other side where the sun is shining and we can see where we’re going, the memory of that darkness never goes away. It will always remain a part of us, but we realize we don’t have to be afraid of it ever again. The sun will warm you again and the fear and despondency will stay in the tunnel. Hang in there, Kathy. We’re here and want to help. JJ
Thanks JJ.
Kathy,
I, too, am happy to see that you are writing about Tom. Writing about how you feel will help you as reading your writing enlightens all of us.
In time you will be able to write again about more varied topics. In time you will feel less numb. In time, less lost. Time is your friend.
I wish you the time that brings healing even as I bemoan the loss of time I had to know your brother better.
Love , Linda
Linda, I did find this very cathartic, I think I needed to write this post to allow me to start writing again.
Your tribute to your brother has me wishing I had known him too Kathy…What losing those I love has taught me over and over again, is that I am just so glad to have known and spent time with them, however short or long that time was…
Marilyn, how lovely! thanks.
Dear Kathy You may think you are adrift but all those things you just said about your beloved brother Tommy will keep afloat just keep thinking about them and him and you will be alright Your Friend Cathy Christ
I know you too, have experienced this kind of loss, Cathy. Thanks for your lovely comment.
Kathy,
Your tribute about your brother is so very touching. I have the ‘chills’ just reading it. I’m sorry for this loss. You are in my prayers.
Jeanne
Thank you, Jeanne.
Kathy, I do wish I had known Tom….. what a guy! He was loved and respected by so many! Your family – large and loving – is what many of us with small families, have dreamed of having. You must realize how very fortunate you have been to have had Tom in your life all of these precious years! I never had a brother nor were Paul and I ever blessed with children. Everyone has some sort of loss. But these experiences make us who we are and help us grow into the person we are meant to be. We must not let them destroy us but help us to become better people in spite of these sad losses. Hang in there! You are strong and you are a survivor. Your love for Tom and Dan will pull you through this rough time. They are protecting you and are your two great angels from above!
God bless and much love, Bonnie
Thank you, Bonnie. I know that my many friends–like you–and the love I have for my family and my loved ones on the other side will help me as I make this journey.
I am so sorry to hear of your brother’s passing. It is hard to see someone you love struggle so very hard for so long just to have to leave us anyway.
Kathy, You were blessed with a loving and wonderful brother. Remember the wonderful times you had together. Even death can not take those memories from you. He is still alive in the hearts of those who loved him. Through these life experiences we are changed into the beings we are meant to be. I am happy for you that you had such a wonderful brother. Lynn
I too am glad to see you writing about your brother, Tom. He must have been so very special. You have been through a lot these last 6 months. Know that you have friends that care and are praying for you.
Mel
Kathy, please know that I am thinking of you every day; your posts on Facebook as well as Tim’s and Brian’s are all so moving. It is hard to see how much pain you are all in. Keep writing! It will help you through the rough times and keep you connected to everyone who cares for you.